Decoding Your Childhood Strategy: The Pleaser

David Stamation, Executive Life Coach

Last week you may have taken the quiz to identify your childhood strategy, a fancy way of describing how you, as a kid, went about getting the love and attention you needed from your parents. Haven't taken it yet? You can Take the Quiz before reading on, so you have your own strategy in mind as you read. This week, as promised, I'm decoding one with a real example: mine.

While these strategies are impressive in how they develop and how well they serve us as children, they rarely transfer wholesale into adulthood. What worked to keep you safe, loved, or noticed at age seven can start working against you at thirty-seven, limiting your growth or creating tension in the relationships you care about most. Coaching helps you recognize these patterns and update them, so they reflect the adult you are today, and the values you now hold.

Think of it this way: If you never revisit these strategies, a real part of your life is still being run by a child's mindset.

My Personal Strategy: The Pleaser

I am a pleaser. Growing up, this strategy earned me the love and attention I craved, and as a kid, it worked. I rarely felt neglected.

In adulthood, though, it brought tension into my relationships. By constantly putting others first and rarely voicing my own needs, I became resentful. That unexpressed anger leaked out in passive-aggressive ways, straining the connections I valued most.

Through coaching, I learned how this pattern kept me from the life I wanted. One pivotal exercise involved building a pros-and-cons list for my own strategy:

- On the pros side: It fosters connection and builds community.

- On the cons side: It meant I rarely asked for what I wanted.

From there, I started taking small risks; speaking up about my needs, learning to say "no." Over time, those small actions reshaped my relationships and dissolved a lot of the daily anger I used to carry.

Today, my pleaser tendencies still show up, but on my terms. My wife and I host parties where I genuinely enjoy making sure every guest feels welcome. And I've learned to put my own needs on that same list, which has left me more fulfilled and far less tense.

Does This Resonate with You?

If you took the quiz, ask yourself the same three questions I had to sit with:

- Does this strategy match how you showed up as a kid?

- How does it show up in your life today, at work, at home, in conflict?

- What strengths does it bring you, and where is it quietly limiting you?

That's the real value of this work. Instead of constantly reacting to stress or putting out the same fires, you address the root cause. When you understand the why behind your patterns, you can start making conscious choices that match your present-day values, not the ones a scared or lonely kid adopted decades ago.

Your childhood strategy will stay with you for life. The question is whether you're the one steering it, or it's still steering you.

Haven't found your strategy yet? Take the Quiz and see which one has been steering you all along.

Curious how your own patterns are helping or hurting you? Book a coaching session to start updating your strategy for the person you've become.