The Hug Reflex: Why Some People Hug Everyone…and Why You Don’t Have To

David Stamation, Executive Life Coach

Some people hug everyone. Others prefer space. Your “hug reflex” reveals your boundaries, your history, and how your nervous system responds to closeness. This piece explores the spectrum and why intentional, consent-based hugging matters for connection and leadership. Take the QUIZ that’s tucked away in this article.

The Hug Reflex

As a kid, I don’t remember being hugged by anyone outside my parents and close family. And when they did, I felt special and seen.  School certainly didn’t encourage it, the closest we ever got to physical reconciliation was the forced handshake after an argument with a classmate.

Now, as an adult, I find myself questioning how much we hug as a culture and what it reveals when someone initiates a hug. At times I genuinely enjoy it, especially when it’s someone I’m close to and feel safe with. In those moments, a hug represents a bond, an inner-circle intimacy.

But other times… not so much. When a one-time dinner guest or a brand-new acquaintance goes in for a hug, I notice my body tighten. I’m not open to it. A few kind words and a handshake feels more authentic.

It was this curiosity and the way my body responds differently in each situation that led me to explore what I call the hug reflex.

Here’s what I discovered.

The People Who Hug Everyone

Some people hug as naturally as breathing. They greet strangers with the same open-arm enthusiasm as they do close friends. To them, hugging is generosity, connection, and emotional openness.

But often, beneath that instinct is something deeper:

• A desire to be liked

• A way to close emotional distance quickly

• A belief that warmth equals acceptance

• People-pleasing patterns

• Childhood environments where affection was the default language

While the intentions are usually kind, the impact isn’t universal. For some, it lands as warmth. For others, it feels like boundary-overrun.

The People Who Prefer Not to Hug

On the other end are people who instinctively prefer space. Their body tightens when someone unexpectedly leans in. Their nervous system signals:

“Not yet.”

“Not with everyone.”

“Not like this.”

Try: “I’m not a hugger, but I’m really glad to see you.”

This group:

• Values clear boundaries

• Connects more through presence than touch

• Needs physical trust before intimacy

• Grew up in environments where touch was limited or conditional

• Feels overwhelmed by unexpected closeness

This is not coldness. It’s clarity. It’s a calm protection of their own somatic space.

 Where Do You Fall?

Take the Hug Reflex Quiz

Below is a simple self-assessment to help you explore your natural relationship with hugging and physical boundaries. Count your A-B-Cs.

QUIZ: What’s Your Hug Reflex?

1. When someone you barely know initiates a hug, you…

A. Lean in it feels natural.

B. Awkwardly accept it but tense up.

C. Step back or offer a handshake.

2. How do you feel when a coworker or acquaintance hugs you?

A. Warm, connected, comfortable.

B. Neutral but uncertain.

C. Uncomfortable; prefer space.

3. At social events, you typically…

A. Hug most people.

B. Hug selectively.

C. Stick to handshakes or verbal warmth.

4. When you’re not in the mood for a hug, you…

A. Go along with it anyway.

B. Try a polite side-hug.

C. Set a boundary with body language or words.

5. When offering emotional support, you prefer…

A. Hugging, it’s your natural expression.

B. Words, presence, a gentle gesture.

C. Proximity without touch.

6. As a leader, your boundary style is…

A. Warm and physical.

B. Situational, depends on context.

C. Clear and consistent.

7. Your body’s natural response to an unexpected hug is…

A. Shoulders drop, breath softens.

B. Mixed, slight tension.

C. Tight, breath catches, body stiffens.

_______________________________________________________________________________

SCORING

Mostly A’s — The Open Hugger

Warm, expressive, connection-forward.

Growth edge: Tune into others’ signals before assuming closeness.

Mostly B’s — The Contextual Hugger

Flexible, attuned, discerning.

Growth edge: Honor your boundaries fully. No need to override them to be polite.

Mostly C’s — The Boundary Hugger

Clarity, self-awareness, strong personal space

Growth edge: Notice where deeper connection is safe and welcome.

Intentional Hugging: The Middle Path

Somewhere between hugging everyone and hugging no one sits the grounded, emotionally intelligent middle path:

Hug selectively.

Hug consciously.

Hug with consent.

A sincere hug is:

• Reciprocal

• Energy-matched

• Nervous-system safe

• Relationship appropriate

• Given, not assumed

When hugs become intentional rather than automatic, they regain meaning.

Your Body Decides Before Your Mind

The body reacts instantly.

Comfort: heart softens, breath deepens, shoulders drop.

Discomfort: chest tightens, jaw clenches, breath freezes, arms pull in.

Your body isn’t being rude, it’s being honest. Listening to these cues is emotional intelligence. Honoring them is leadership.

Why This Matters in Leadership

In small, high-intensity teams (like Endodontic practices), clear physical boundaries matter.

Over-hugging can: blur lines, create misunderstandings, trigger discomfort, and feel unprofessional.

Never hugging can: signal distance, inhibit warmth, and weaken trust.

Intentional hugging does: model consent, reduce tension, strengthen safety, and communicate grounded presence.

Leadership isn’t about hugging more or less, it’s about hugging consciously.

Final Reflection: What’s Your Hug Reflex Saying?

• Do I hug out of habit or connection?

• Do I override my body to avoid seeming rude? Hugging when you don’t want to.

• Where do I feel comfort or tension?

• What boundaries am I honoring — or ignoring?

• How would my relationships shift if I hugged with intention?

  
  

Your hugging style reflects your history, your boundaries, and your nervous system.

Exploring it isn’t etiquette, it’s self-awareness and leadership.

Writer’s Note: Look for the future blog: Sorry! Why do we apologize so much?

Explore Your Leadership Edge

Curious how your boundaries and habits shape your practice? Let’s explore it together. I coach Endodontists who are ready for growth, clarity and confidence. Choose a time or visit program outline at Endo Executive Coaching.

About David

David Stamation is an Executive Life Coach and co-owner of Legacy Life Consulting, where he helps leaders and endodontic practice owners master emotional fluency, somatic awareness, and aligned leadership. With 10+ years in men’s groups and seven years of private coaching, he blends practical insight with calm, grounded leadership practices and deeply grounded personal-growth work.

 A seasoned expedition traveler and co-facilitator of The Love Retreat, David brings a unique mix of grounded wisdom, curiosity, and lived experience. He and his wife Cynthia make their home in Sandpoint, Idaho.