Does He Want a Partner—or a Parent? A Look into Modern Masculinity

David Stamation, Executive Life Coach

While on my current health sabbatical, I found myself reflecting deeply on how much I’ve come to rely on my wife during this time of cancer treatment. There were moments when I didn’t feel like her husband—I felt like a dependent little boy being mothered. And that troubled me. In full disclosure I had a similar health sabbatical 4 years ago to treat the same cancer. This BLOG is a current update and thoughts for August 2025.

I’m used to showing up in our marriage as a husband, a partner. But during this vulnerable stretch, I could feel the delicate balance of our masculine-feminine dynamic shifting. The polarity that has always energized our relationship began to wobble. And sure enough, when I stayed in that “boy” energy for too many days in a row, tension would start to build between us. Something felt off. We both felt it.

My Way Back

What helped was finding my way back to the center. I had to reassure her—everything is going to be okay. I needed to speak with clarity and direction, to offer a North Star for how I planned to return to health. I had to reflect back to her the beauty I see in her body and the depth I admire in her spirit. In doing so, I reclaimed my place in the relationship—not as a patient needing care, but as a man committed to leading with love and presence. That’s when we began to return to a healthier husband-wife dynamic.

This experience got me thinking about masculinity, personal direction, and how we show up as men in relationships. I see this theme show up with my clients, and over the last decade in my Men’s Group, through countless coaching and conversations with hundreds of men. There's a question that continues to emerge:

Does a man want a wife—or does he want a mother?

It’s a sobering question, and not one to answer lightly. Illness revealed how easy it is—even for someone committed to growth—to slip into a pattern of passivity, to surrender the responsibility of emotional leadership in a relationship. But it also showed me how powerful it is when a man chooses to stand in his strength, even when he’s physically weak.

Masculinity, at its best, is not about bravado or stoicism. It’s about presence, purpose, and the willingness to shoulder what is ours to carry—even when life hurts. Especially then.

In love, men must bring the fire of direction, devotion, and truth. Not to dominate, but to co-create. To be a partner—not a dependent.

So again, I ask: when a man enters into relationship, what is he really looking for? A wife to stand beside him—or a mother to carry him?

Next

As I lay recuperating, I found myself with unexpected time and space to reflect on this question of men and boys in relationships. In the next blog, I’ll explore this dynamic more deeply—and offer a closer look at how these patterns show up and what they cost us.