Men, Make Plans and Initiate!
- David Stamation
- 3 hours ago
- 4 min read
David Stamation, Executive Life Coach
This blog explores how men unintentionally step back in relationships, creating tension and collapsing polarity and why initiating, planning, and leading restores connection, ease, and intimacy. Includes a quiz to reveal your default pattern.
Restoring Polarity, Connection, and Leadership in Your Relationship
As a husband, I’ve learned that the little things matter such as planning a date night, choosing the restaurant, deciding the outing, even picking what’s for dinner.
Early in my marriage, I thought I was being easygoing by stepping back and letting my wife take the lead. I told myself I was being flexible and accommodating. But over time, I noticed something important:
When I didn’t lead, it created tension.
She didn’t always want to be in charge. She wanted to relax into her feminine, trusting that I had things handled.
If this might be you, I created a simple tool to help you check in with yourself.
QUIZ
Are You Leading or Waiting?
A companion to our original quiz: “Men Are You Leading the Relationship?”
(If you’ve taken the first quiz, this one helps you evaluate your daily habits.)
Answer honestly and choose the option that best fits your typical behavior:
1. When it comes to planning date nights, you…
A. Initiate with a plan.
B. Suggest ideas but let her choose.
C. Wait for her to bring it up.
2. When she asks, “What do you want to do tonight?” you…
A. Offer a clear answer with options.
B. Say, “I don’t care… what do you want?”
C. Avoid choosing.
3. On weekends, you typically…
A. Choose an activity and invite her.
B. Ask for ideas but don’t commit.
C. Default to whatever she suggests.
4. When a decision needs to be made (plans, food, outings), your instinct is to…
A. Decide confidently.
B. Delay or seek her opinion.
C. Avoid choosing.
5. In moments of emotional tension, you…
A. Stay grounded and guide.
B. React but try to steady yourself.
C. Pull back or wait for her to lead.
6. When she’s stressed or overwhelmed, you…
A. Step in with a plan or direction.
B. Support her but hesitate to take charge.
C. Hope it resolves itself.
7. How often do you plan something “just because”?
A. Weekly or biweekly.
B. Sometimes.
C. Rarely or never.
8. How does your body feel about leading?
A. Energized and open.
B. Mixed. Part desire, part hesitation.
C. Tight or resistant.
9. When intimacy feels off, you…
A. Initiate conversation with presence.
B. Wait for the right moment.
C. Avoid bringing it up.
10. Your overall instinct is to…
A. Initiate.
B. Collaborate.
C. Wait.
SCORING
Mostly A’s – The Initiating Man
You lean into your masculine core with clarity and direction.
Growth Edge: Strengthen consistency, and lead with presence not effort.
Mostly B’s – The Hesitating Man
You want to lead, but hesitation, conditioning, or conflict avoidance sometimes pulls you back.
Growth Edge: Practice daily, low-stakes leadership moments.
Mostly C's – The Waiting Man
You tend to default to passivity or deferring to your partner, which shifts polarity and creates tension.
Growth Edge: Start making small decisions to regain momentum and direction.
If you haven’t taken the original quiz, you can explore it here:
Notice the Yellow Flags Before They Become Red Flags
Through coaching men for years and through my own marriage I’ve learned something simple and profound:
Initiating and making plans is part of the masculine role.
When a man consistently avoids choosing, steering, or deciding, his partner unconsciously shifts into a masculine posture to keep the relationship moving. She does it because she has to, not because it’s her natural preference.
And once she’s there, she can’t fully relax into the feminine.
This creates frustration and shuts down intimacy.
When a man steps back, a vacuum forms.
And she will fill it.
Not because she wants control but because leadership is absent.
Recognizing the Pattern
If you’re noticing tension, take a breath and ask yourself:
Have I become too comfortable letting her handle most things?
Have I stopped initiating?
Am I waiting for her to lead instead of offering direction?
If yes, you may have unconsciously ceded your masculine position. She, in turn, steps forward into hers and neither of you feel aligned there.
Balance and Polarity in Relationships
We all carry masculine and feminine energy. But most people have a dominant core.
When we suppress that core, the relationship loses balance.
Imbalances look like:
Too much masculine energy in the relationship:
When both partners are in their masculine it tends to cause fighting, tension, and competition.
Too much feminine energy in the relationship:
When both are in their feminine it often causes indecisiveness and lack of direction.
When polarity collapses, connection collapses.
The Key Takeaway
When I lead with intention, not pressure or control, my marriage feels more connected. There’s more flow, more ease, more softness. We sync up.
Last night, I initiated dinner plans. It went like this:
“We’re not cooking tonight. I’m taking you out.”
I named three restaurants, described a dish at one of them, then asked which one she felt most drawn to. No phones. Great conversation.
She told me she loved it.
Leading the relationship is about presence, steadiness, and direction.
Action Step:
Lead With Intention
A few simple ways to begin:
Plan dinner and let her know early in the day.
Choose the movie and the time before you sit down.
Pick a weekend activity and tell her the plan.
Initiate the walk, the date night, or the outing.
These aren’t small gestures they are signals of grounded masculine initiation.
What NOT to Do
Don’t default to: “What do you want to do?”
It pushes responsibility back on her and shifts her into masculine decision-making.
Instead:
Notice what she loves and lead from that.
The Stretch
Reclaiming your role in the relationship is a safe, powerful step.
And you may be surprised how good it feels for both of you when you do it.
Join Us at The Love Retreat 2026
If this work resonates, The Love Retreat 2026 is a powerful next step.
It’s designed for couples who want to restore polarity, deepen connection, and rebuild intimacy in a grounded, meaningful way.
This is where the deeper work happens in real time, together.
For those who want support leading up to the retreat, I offer limited 1:1 coaching for men and women seeking clarity and stronger relational leadership.
Your next step begins with one decision.