Beyond the Burden: When Women Become Caretakers Instead of Partners

David Stamation, Executive Life Coach

Part 2

In many relationships today, a subtle but powerful dynamic often emerges as women feeling more like caretakers than partners. The question is worth asking—does the man want a wife, or is he unconsciously seeking a mommy?

At its core, this isn't about infantilizing men or mocking vulnerability. Rather, it's a call to examine patterns that too often go unspoken. Too many women find themselves shouldering the emotional labor of a relationship—planning meals, managing the calendar, remembering birthdays, defusing conflicts, and making sure he’s “okay”—while their partner remains passive, reactive, or dependent. This is not partnership. It’s parenting.

How He was Raised Can Play a Role

Part of the issue stems from how boys are raised. Many grow up being emotionally coddled by their mothers and never taught to carry emotional weight in adulthood. They’re praised for doing the bare minimum—doing the dishes, watching the kids for a few hours, or talking about their feelings—while women are expected to manage it all without recognition. In adulthood, these men enter relationships expecting the same nurturing without offering reciprocal strength or responsibility.

The "Mommy" role a man may unconsciously seek is someone who takes care of everything while expecting little back. She forgives without accountability, solves problems without asking for initiative, and puts his needs first at her own expense. The “Wife,” on the other hand—at least in the egalitarian sense—is a partner. She shares life with a man who can self-regulate, take initiative, hold her in her tough moments, and carry his weight emotionally and practically.

Here’s the crux: emotional maturity is not just about being able to talk about your feelings. It’s about acting with integrity. It’s about not outsourcing the hard parts of adulthood—communication, confrontation, self-reflection, growth—to your partner. A man who is emotionally mature doesn’t need a Mommy to hold him together; he builds strength alongside his partner.

When It’s Not Real – What to Watch for

This dynamic becomes especially corrosive when disguised as chivalry or emotional openness. A man might claim vulnerability, but if he consistently collapses under stress and leaves his partner to carry the emotional load, it’s not vulnerability—it’s avoidance. The man who weaponizes his fragility to avoid responsibility is not being sensitive; he’s being passive.

Women, too, must examine how they may enable this pattern. Some are conditioned to feel needed by over functioning. They pick up the slack, thinking it’s love, but it slowly breeds resentment. This is often where I experience fierce anger from women when they share this unfulfilling dynamic. Love should not look like raising an adult.

The future of healthy relationships depends on a new model of masculinity—one that is emotionally responsible, not just emotionally expressive. A man ready for a wife must be capable of co-creating a life, not waiting to be rescued or managed.

Reflect and ask Yourself

So, if you're a man in a relationship, ask yourself: are you building with your partner or leaning on her to hold it all together? Do you want a wife—or are you really looking for another mother? The answer makes all the difference.

Conversation

For a man, bringing this up with his spouse can feel almost unthinkable—largely because of the deep shame that often surrounds it. But if you’re willing to endure some initial turbulence and stay in the conversation, something powerful happens. The emotional and energetic dust that’s settled over time begins to clear. Long-closed doors—connection, integrity, honesty—begin to crack open again. These are the places many couples lose sight of for years. Remember this: chaos isn’t your enemy. It’s the threshold. Lean into it with courage. That’s where change begins.